Hyrxx TV

i woke up at 7am it was so shit and i was still hurting, so i stayed in bed till like 10 am, and then i went up and made coffee, and chilled upstairs, and then i went out with my mum and we went to the beach

we walked along for a little bit and sat and talked about my mum and my dad and them separating and shit and about how we behaved as kids and shit

anyways i was in no mood to go to work by then but i managed to relax a little,

i knew sam was going to work today at the same time as me, so i was pretty sketched out about that, and i was pretty nervous the whole shift, it was pretty fucked up. and gupreet was trying to tell me shit and i was just like shutup

i managed to survive the whole shift and he was on front counter for the last part with me, and he was actually helping me a little bit, it was good i guess but still nothing from him so i dont know what the fuck, i pretty much feel like ive lost him and i really dont want to loose him or our friendship etc but it looks like thats the way its going to be, im so uncontrollably tripping out about the situation of him being near or around let alone helping me or whatever, im so freaked out i just cant work with him anymore if its going to be like this, i need to leave his life because this obviously aint gonna work, i really wanted to work in the new restaraunt but i guess i wont get that pleasure, i will also loose the pleasure of working with many of my good mates ….

but i guess thats what i have to do to make things right, ill be really sad to leave but i know theres nothing i can do about it, i just cant go on like this, it hurts so bad, i actually think i still love him, im so crazy about it its driving me insane,

to top that off, as if that wasnt enough for me

david brown walks in with cameron and some other guy.

i was like omfg. like i have gotten over the fact that i cant have him, but damn he is still fucking sexy as. like you wouldnt believe. i rolled my tounge bar around

it was so crushing for him to come there and see me, sam was standing on presenter completely oblivious to the like emotional battle or watever the fuck i was having, anyways i was telling hannah about it cuz i always tell hannah about every hot guy on the sly, especially ones i actually know lmao

either way it was good and bad, but completely extremely more bad

so after work i rang sarah and that was good to talk to her on the way to sams,

so when i got there ethan wasnt there but this guy who came over last night with ethan was there and some other people who looked pretty wasted and i was like where is ethan, and they didnt know so i was like, ill just call him, so he answers and hes like so drunk and i was like sup bro where are you kinda thing, and he just couldnt answer properly cuz he was so wasted lol

so then i told the other guys about how drunk he was, and then it all clicked, because april was so shitty about how jimmy ditched her with ashley by going to ethans to drink with him,

so i texted ashley and asked if ethan was with them, and sure enough he was, so i asked where they were and they were all the way out in lyttelton and i was like LOL

the guys at his house had been there a few hours aparently lols

they were pretty cool people though they offered me a sesh and were pretty cool to chill with,

then ethan and ashley and jimmy arrived and they were all pretty wasted, especially ethan haha. and he kept picking fights with people, he tried to pick a few with me and i nailed him to the ground and made him tap out every time, i am more tank yaya but he was pretty drunk aswell, i was just determined to not loose :-s

anyways me and ashley and jimmy left after we chilled at ethans for a while, and came back to mine and chilled now im just chilling and blogging and sleeping soon!!

today i went to work 4 hours early and sam was there, he was trying to not make eye contact or any contact the whole day, like he kept away from me, im just as sketched about seeing him in fear of making contact, im literally scared to go near him otherwise i fear things will escalate, he completely resents me and pretty much doesnt acklowlege i exist anymore

i feel like he hates me and its tearing me up inside, i dont know why im so incarcerated like this and after everything ive done for sam all i get is thi treatment, i thought he would be there for me,

aparently this is just some kinda of joke, im so angry, april came up to me today and said that she was sticking up for me when aparently sam was telling vannessa and co about how i went around to his house after work on friday last week,

i knocked on the window in futile attempt to get sam to talk to me, i even asked him when i saw him at work if he would answer his phone when i called him after 8 when i finished, but he said no. so thats why i had to go around, remembering that i still dont exactly know what the deal is since hes blacked me out of the picture, sam was in the room and i could tell, i kept calling him to try and force him out to talk to me, but instead he went and got aroha and told her to tell me that he was out, so i obviously couldnt say no to that, not wanting to belive her but i gave in and went home crying,

sam was aparently telling people about how i did that, wtf, im so fucking sick of this being involved in work, everyone keeps asking me about sam and shit, it drives me insane, i just want to resign so i dont have to deal with this anymore, i cant handle always being triggered off about sam, i really need to leave, i seriously cant even cope at mc donalds anymore especially when hes around, i feel like im justing going to break down about it, it is crazy, i just need to get out of here and leave this whole situation

sam wins and i loose, im giving up on him and i have just wasted all this time for nothing, 9 months convincing him to just go out with me, i cant belive it was so hard and that he played me for a fool this whole time, i feel so used and im starting to hate him, it brings me to tears that i have to end this, i really thought sam was something, i just proven wrong time after time, i wasted so much time and money on sam its not funny

he was a huge addiction to my life, but now he hates me an i can see that, i dont think hes going to change his mind so any more time spent pursuing him is just wansted, he gets what he wanted – to be left alone, i hope hes happy because he just lost what could have been a great partner, and a good freind, and co worker

as i am laying this issue to rest i will also be resigning my job, i feel i have no other choice and for the better i need to leave that place, i will miss everyone there and it sucks but theres nothing i can do about it since sam has chosen this fate,

all i wanted was an explanation, but you cant even give me just a little bit of respect, a little bit of closure,

fuck you sam im so fucked up from this whole deal, you’ve completely driven me insane and i fear ill never be right again, you’ve forced me to resign my job at a place where i love and people that i adore to death, i wish i didnt have to but you just fucking hate me and i will never be able to continue a normal week at mcdonalds anymore,

i tried sam, but i dont know what i was supposed to do, everything was looking to the positive as though you were actually going to say yes, i actually have high expectations that you were going to say yes that time, it was ok that you didnt, but to put me though this shit is just killing me sam, im so close to suicide all the time and it is a very real reality for me, i dont know if you realise but you are genuinely fucking with me here……

argh i woke up really early which is annoying but ill deal with it,

i have to go to work at 4 so that should be interesting

working at mc donalds is so fun, its like they let you do the making of all the shit required for orders and shit, its so much fun i cant believe they actually pay us to do it aswell lol can be hard sometimes in a rush though, but thats what we are trained for so meh, it only sucks if theres shit people on

i got my 24 port router yesterday, its pretty cool and it has a fan lols

now i just need my server for exchange, ive been reading heaps about active directory and server 2008 from this ebook i have, and then im going to start reading the exchange one once i have mastered active directory in vmware, and then i can do exchange mastering on the server, when i get it up and connected etc

i have to figure out how the domain is going to connect to the server and to my existing platform, lol

cant sleep its dumb, only 7 30, im so tired argh